Agents of TEA
by merlinmonkey16
Summary: In which Phil Coulson instructs the team on the proper way to make tea and Melinda May leaves the cockpit while in midair. Set near the beginning of season 1.


It was a lazy Sunday afternoon, and no threats were poised to change it. The crew had just completed an extremely dangerous mission (location top-secret, of course), and all, save May who was acting as pilot, were catching up on their rest. Skye had locked herself in her bunk, clearly planning to sleep. Ward had retreated to the lounge to catch up on some reading. Coulson had been seen sneaking into the garage with his Captain America comic books in tow. Fitz and Simmons had closed themselves up in the lab and quietly experimented all afternoon. Until they decided they wanted some tea, that is.

Raised voices pierced the afternoon silence. Skye grunted and threw a pillow over her ears. Ward, bewildered, started from his dozing state. Coulson raised his drowsy eyes in alarm. He closed his comics and tucked them in his suit pocket. Then, standing up, he followed the sound of voices. He ended up in the kitchen; Fitz and Simmons were there. Apparently they had been in the process of making tea. Now, however, they were engrossed in an argument about the beverage in question.

"You don't put cream in tea, Fitz!" Simmons argued. "It's milk and sugar."

"Sugar? What are you? Posh?" Fitz retorted. "And Earl Grey is actually the only decent tea out there. English breakfast is disgusting."

"No, it's not! English breakfast is sophisticated! Not at all like Earl Grey," Simmons said, shivering in disgust. Fitz looked ruffled. He opened his mouth to protest, but Coulson intervened.

"Actually, neither of you are making the tea right." The two Brits looked at their boss incredulously.

"Wait a minute, wait a minute," Fitz said, "_we're _not making tea right?"

"No." Coulson pushed between the two. "To start with, what happened to 'keep calm and carry on'? You two are squabbling like an old married couple." Fitz and Simmons looked at each other rather alarmedly. "Secondly," Coulson continued, ignoring their bamboozlement, "you haven't turned the burner on." He flipped the switch and smiled at the two scientists. A loud bang announced the entrance of a very grumpy Skye.

"I'm trying to sleep here," she complained, "think you could talk any louder?"

"Probably. But be glad you're awake – you're just in time for tea!" Skye gave Coulson a dark stare and collapsed onto one of the nearby couches. Coulson rolled up his sleeves.

"Now, where's the sugar?"

"Here – "

"We don't need sugar!" Fitz exclaimed in frustration. Coulson took the jar from Simmons despite Fitz's protest.

"Every cup of tea needs a little sugar," he told Fitz. He poured a tablespoon of sugar into each cup. "Ah Ward," he said calmly, seeing a rigid figure enter the room out of the corner of his eye, "go ask May if she wants some tea." A very confused Ward complied.

"Where did you learn how to make tea?" Skye asked. "Oh no wait, let me guess: Tahiti." Coulson grinned.

"It's a magical place."

"So I've heard."

"Now I'm giving you all English breakfast tea. It's the tastiest type of tea, in my opinion. If you don't like it…well, sorry. You'll have to find something else to drink." Coulson deftly poured steaming water into each of the cups.

"You're like a barista. Except for tea," Skye commented. Coulson's only response was a chuckle. Fitz and Simmons, standing off to the side, watched in awe as Agent Phil Coulson made them tea. He handed them their mugs.

"Drink up," he ordered. Cautiously, they both took a sip of the piping hot beverage.

"Hey," Fitz said in surprise, "this is actually good!"

"It's delightful," Simmons agreed. "Thank you, Coulson!"

"No problem." He handed Skye her cup.

"Thanks, boss." She took a drink. "You know it is actually good." She looked impressed. Coulson settled down in an armchair.

"I'm glad you all have so much confidence in me," he expressed sarcastically.

"Well I don't. Phil Coulson, what kind of tea did you make me?" When Melinda May entered a room, she made her presence clearly known, and today was no exception. The team was instantly alert, and even Coulson sat up a bit straighter.

"Breakfast tea," he replied.

"Breakfast tea? Phil, you know I only drink green tea." Coulson shrugged.

"It never hurts to broaden your horizons." May blinked, and without a word began to prepare her own tea. Ward stood in the doorway, still just as confused as ever. The team sat in silence for a few moments, Skye sniggering to herself and Simmons and Fitz whispering about the benefits of green tea versus black tea. Suddenly, Coulson, as if captured by an idea, leant forward.

"May…" he began.

"What?"

"Can I ask you something?"

"Depends."

"If you're making tea, then who's flying the plane?" May's cup clattered as she dropped it. Quietly and furtively, May made her way back to the cockpit. Silence reigned among the rest of the crew. Finally Ward broke it.

"I don't know about you all, but I'm confused." The rest nodded in assent. Coulson stood up.

"Let me make you a cup of tea."


End file.
